


Keep It Together

by dearevanheatherton



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Evan is Jewish, Everbody Lives, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kleinsen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nobody Dies, Polyamorous Relationships, Polyamory, Rape, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros, non-con, polyamorous, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 06:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11731149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearevanheatherton/pseuds/dearevanheatherton
Summary: It takes Evan six months to fall apart, but only four to be put back together.





	Keep It Together

**Author's Note:**

> Hi:/) Please be wary of the tags before you read. Nothing is described in detail, but just to be sure, I put %%% around Rape and ### around suicidal scenes if you need to skip any possible trigger scenes.
> 
> Beta was pidgeotto-gunderson She's a great writer:/)
> 
> Tumblr: dearevanheatherton  
> Fan Account Insta: dearwickedhamilsettos
> 
> On to the story!

Evan stared at Jared, mouth agape and tears building in his eyes.

“Y-you’re dating Connor?”

“Yeah! Turns out he really likes me? Y’know, since you two have started hanging out and stuff he’s gotten to like me and know a different side to me, apparently. That’s what he said, anyways,” Jared rambled, his mouth a mess of fries and ketchup.

“But... but you know I like him!” Evan blurted, a stray tear leaking out of his eye. He quickly wiped it away before Jared could see it.

“Well, my dear friend, turns out so do I, and I’m not going to sit by and pine just because you can’t muster up the courage to ask him out. Besides, he asked me out, and I wasn’t going to just reject him. He obviously likes me and I like him. What purpose would it serve? I thought you would be happy for me; now you can finally move on to someone else!” Jared said, looking at Evan like that was supposed to be easy, like Evan could just _move on_ without a second thought.

Like Evan could just get over two of the most beautiful boys in the world.

“Yeah,” Evan choked, trying desperately to keep his tears in. “Of course I’m happy for you, Jared. It’s just a stupid crush, anyways. I’ll get over it.”

  
***

2 months later, Evan still wasn’t over it.

He, Connor, and Jared were all three sitting in a booth in a near-empty diner that Evan couldn’t remember the name of. In fact, Evan might as well not have been there. Jared and Connor were immersed in their little world in the bench across from him, whispering little nothings into each other’s ears and kissing each other every other bite that they took of their food.

He could feel his heart break every time he heard a little ‘I love you’ shared between the two boys he loved most in this world.

Salty tears gathered in his eyes as he witnessed a deep kiss between the two boys who would never want him back.

Evan slid out of the booth, and no one said anything.

  
***

  
After that, Evan started distancing himself from them. Sometimes, he wouldn’t answer their texts. It was no big deal. The only person who noticed was Evan.

Later, he started declining invitations to do things as a group. Connor and Jared shrugged it off, thinking that maybe Evan just wasn’t feeling up to the group setting anymore. They knew how he felt.

It was when Evan started declining one-on-one hangouts that things got bad.

Evan was sitting eating his lunch under the tree that he had started sitting at about a month earlier, when he had started distancing himself from the couple. He was immersed in a worn copy of The Giving Tree. He was flipping to the next-to-last page when he saw a shadow appear.

“Dude, what the hell? Connor told me that you’re ignoring him, too,” Jared seethed, his eyes narrowed in anger.

“W-what? I-I don't k-know what y-you're t-talking about!” Evan stuttered out, trying to avoid looking at those emerald green eyes that he knew he would get lost in.

“Please! It was fine when you didn't want to answer our texts or hang out as a group, but you can't just ignore us all together! What's your problem?” And there it was. _What's your problem?_

“What's my _problem_? My problem is you and Connor!” Evan shouted, finally able to get out what had been bothering him for months. He looked up at Jared and all he could see were burning green eyes boring into him.

“Oh my _god_. I can't believe you're still stuck on that. It was just a stupid crush, Evan! You need to learn how to get over yourself. God, you're so selfish!” Jared yelled, making Evan flinch back. But this time, Evan decided he wouldn't back down. After all, he had nothing to lose anymore.

“Me? Get over _myself_? I'm not the one who went behind their so-called best friend’s back and started dating the boy he was in love with!” Evan heard Jared take a sharp intake of breath when he said the word ‘love’.

“What the _fuck_?” Jared said slowly, enunciating each word.

“Wha-what?” Evan attempted to act like he wasn’t intimidated, but he and Jared both knew that he was failing. ‘ _Shit, why did you say that? The only thing that could be worse than this is him finding out that you love him too.’_

“You can’t just say shit like that. I’m in love with Connor. I’m his boyfriend. If you actually loved him, you wouldn’t ignore him just because he has a boyfriend! You would be happy he’s happy!” Jared snapped because _why should he feel bad? He had to sit through Evan’s pining after Connor for months, pretending his heart wasn’t breaking._

Meanwhile, Evan was pressing his nails into his palms and _dammit, this is why his mom tells him to clip his nails god why couldn't he just listen._

“It’s hard to be happy _for_ someone when I can’t even be happy with myself!” Evan was screaming now, letting his tears flow freely now.

Jared just stared, shocked. Evan had never screamed like that before. He stepped forward, wanting to comfort him because _dammit, he couldn’t just leave his best friend sitting there sobbing._

But then he thought for a second. This was the best friend he had pined after for months while listening to him wax poetic about another person (he ignored the voice in his head telling him that he wasn’t quite over Evan Hansen).

This was the friend who refused to be happy for Jared and his relationship (he also ignored the voice telling him that he had ~~sorta maybe~~ definitely gone behind Evan’s back and that he ~~sorta maybe~~ definitely should have at least talked about it with him before he accepted).

Evan watched him walk away through a blur of tears.

  
***

  
A month later, Connor and Jared wouldn’t be able to recognize the person Evan was even if they _did_ see him more than once a day in the hallway.

  
***

  
A few days after Jared had left him sitting under the tree sobbing his eyes out, a new kid showed up.

His name was Brad, and the moment Evan saw him, he knew this would be the person who pieced him back together.

He towered over Evan, and his eyes were so deep and blue and beautiful and Evan fell hard.

  
He knew it wasn’t love. No, those feelings were still reserved for Connor and Jared, even though he was starting to feel increasing resentment for how _happy_ they were without him.

No, somehow, this feeling felt far more exciting. The other boy was so outgoing and beautiful and kind and everything that Evan wanted to be.

And it seemed like he wasn’t the only one who noticed.

The day Brad arrived, it seemed like the entire school became enamoured with him. Boys and girls hung on to his every word, teachers let him draw in class, and even the librarian didn't get on to him for talking.

It made no sense that he would hang out with Evan.

Yet there he was, inviting the shorter boy to a party because _hey, you looked pretty nice and I nice friends._

Evan was too awestruck to think about any other reasons Brad would want to be around him.

  
%%%

  
Evan’s first time was in Brad’s parent’s room.

He didn't remember much. He was too drunk to remember much of anything from that night. All he remembers is saying no once and then not being able to say it anymore.

Brad tells him that since he was drunk he didn't really mean it.

Evan doesn't have it in him to argue.

  
%%%

  
His second time was much more clear.

It was at another party. He had decided not to drink that night. His mom was going to be home at 12 and he didn't want her to have to see him drunk and disoriented.

He wished he had drank that night.

Brad grabbed him by the arm and he led him to his room. He had been to afraid to draw attention to the two of them.

It had hurt. He thought that maybe the only thing lubing either of them was his own blood.

He remembers that Brad had to cut his jeans off. He cried harder after that because _shit he couldn't ask his mom for more jeans they’re too expensive what is he gonna do?_

  
***

  
He walked out on the street, disoriented and sobbing. He wrapped his jacket around his naked torso because _he couldn't wear that shirt he couldn’t. He only put the boxers on because he didn't want to be arrested._

He'd made it to the curb before realizing he had no way to get home now.

So he called Connor.

“C-Connor?” Evan sobbed into the phone as soon as he heard the receiver pick up.

“ _Evan_? What the _fuck_ are you doing calling me?” Connor said, making Evan flinch.

“Connor, I-I-”

“ _No_. You don't get to do this! You haven't answered my calls for _two months._ You've made Jared cry with all your ignoring us at _least_ three times, and you have the nerve to call me? Here's some advice, Hansen: lose my number.”

“Connor, please, no-” Evan whimpered into the receiver, but it was no use; the call was cut off.

  
***

  
Evan ended up making the 3 mile trek to his house alone, making it there at 11:30 sharp. He breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed that his mom wasn't home early. He didn't want her to see him like this.

It wasn't until he was in the shower, scrubbing vigorously at the lower half of his body when the full meaning of Connor’s words hit him.

_Lose my number._

Connor didn't want him.

_You've made Jared cry._

He hurt Jared.

_You don't get to do this._

He didn't deserve them.

  
***

  
At least his mom wouldn’t have to buy him new jeans.

  
###

  
He considered not writing a note, but he didn't want to leave his mom without giving her a reason. He believed it to be one of his more simple works.

_Dear Mom, Connor, Jared, and Brad-_

_Mom, I wish I could be sorry I'm doing this. But I can't be. I know it'll hurt you, but in the long run, it'll make your life easier. You won't have to pick up extra shifts; you can spend money on stuff you want; you won't have to worry about college or medication or anything else because I'm gone and that's a good thing. I love you so much, and I'm sorry I'm hurting you, but I just can't do this anymore._

_Connor and Jared, I'm so sorry about everything I've done to you guys. I don't deserve anything, LEAST of all you two. I'm sorry I couldn't be happy for your relationship; it's not that I was mad at you. It's because I was mad at the fact that I couldn't be in the relationship with you. I was mad that neither one of you loved me back._

_But it's okay now. You can go on with your lives. You can be happy. And I won't be a burden anymore. I love you both so much. It always hurts._

_But it won't anymore._

_Brad, I just want to know why. I want to understand. Why me? Why did you do what you did? If you hadn't forced me, I would have said yes._

_But instead you decided to steal it. You stole my virginity. You stole what little happiness I had left._

_You stole my life._

_Mom, Connor, and Jared: I love you. Don't miss me, please. That's all I want. Don't miss me._

_Goodbye,_

_Evan Hansen_

 

_  
###_

  
He was in the bathroom, one wrist pouring blood and the other halfway there, when he heard his mom’s scream from the doorway.

He looked up, and he saw her frantically looking in the cabinet for bandages.

He blacked out.

  
###

  
When he woke up, he was laying in a hospital bed, hooked to an IV. A nurse looked at him from the side of his bed while his bandages.

“Y’know, you wouldn't be here if your mother hadn't found you when she did,” she said gently, reaching up to wipe his tears away when he heard that.

“Why?” he whimpered, more tears leaking out.

“Because you're _good_ , honey. Your mom tells me so much about you, and you are so good. You make her so happy, and I've never seen her more scared or broken than when she rushed in the hospital with you.”

He made his mom sad. He never wanted that.

“Can I see her?” he asked.

“Of course, honey.”

  
***

  
His mom held him.

She climbed in the tiny bed with him, and all she did was hold him and tell him that they would be alright.

“It won't happen today, honey. And it won't happen tomorrow. But one day, you will be okay. I promise. I will always be here. I will always protect you. I will always want you.”

“What if I won't be okay?” he whispered into her shoulder.

“Then we’ll work at it.”

We’ll. He wouldn't be alone.

He slept better than he had in months.

  
***

  
The next day, Connor and Jared came to visit him.

Jared was gripping his note tightly in his hand, tear tracks visible on both it and his face.

Connor had his mouth pressed tightly together, and his hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in days.

“Hi,” Evan said, looking at them nervously, not able to tell what they would do.

“Evan,” Jared croaked, like his whole world had nearly been taken from him. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry we made you feel like this.”

“It's oka-”

“It's not okay,” Connor said, speaking for the first time. “We hurt you, and we intend to fix it.”

“Really, it's not-”

“Evan, we love you too, and we intend to fix our friendship with you, and we want to be with you,” Jared blurted, his voice shaky and quiet.

“Will you sit down?” Evan asked the two of them.

They nodded.

“What Jared is trying to say is that we want to be with you if you will have us. We know we have been complete and utter assholes to you, and we know that you deserve the word and more, but if you still want to be with us, after everything, we just want you to know that we will spend every day trying to make you feel amazing and needed and wanted,” Connor said, holding Evan’s hand gently.

Evan looked at the two boys that he still felt so much love and fondness more. They wanted him? It felt so surreal. But maybe it wasn't.

“C-can we take it slow?” Evan asked, trying to keep a realistic view. As much as he wanted to just jump into a relationship with them, he knew he would have to work hard. He still had to go to rehab, and make everything up to his mom, and be happy.

He needed to be happy.

“Of course!” Jared exclaimed. “Whatever you need.”

“In that case,” Evan said, taking a deep breath, “can we just…talk?”

  
***

  
Rehab was three months long, and it was the longest three months of his life.

It didn't help that much, but it was enough. What really helped was talking to his mom for thirty minutes every single night.

He would call her at 7:30 and she'd have to go about eight, but it was the highlight of every day. He told her about what happened to him at the parties. He told her about the friends he was making in rehab.

He told her about how happy he was taking it one step at a time with Connor and Jared.

The only thing that surpassed that was visiting days. His mom would come and visit him earlier in the day, before he made her leave for work.

Connor and Jared visited later.

They would come and they would just _talk_. Sometimes, he would let them hold his hands, and others, it was hard to look in their direction without thinking _I'm not worth it they deserve better._

But every time he had one of those moments, they would look him in the eye and tell him how much he deserved to be happy and how good and kind he was and that he deserved to feel amazing.

Evan was happy he could finally believe that.

  
***

  
When he got home, Jared and Connor made it their duty to make sure that he felt loved every single moment of the day.

Since it was the summer, they got to spend all day every day together, and it was definitely the happiest he had ever been.

He had completed all of his schoolwork in rehab, and then he had decided to take a gap year to try and figure himself out a little bit more.

So when Connor and Jared proposed that they spend most of their days cuddled up in Evan’s bed watching tv on the laptop, he couldn't really complain.

It wasn't perfect. He soon learned that Jared and Connor still had fights, but whenever that happened, he was there to calm them down and make sure they weren't angry anymore.

Evan still had panic attacks, but whenever they happened, Jared and Connor were there to make sure he got through them safe and mentally sound.

It wasn't perfect, but they kept each other together.

They held each other. They kissed each other.

They loved each other.

And that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I haven't written in a while, so it might be rusty. Please leave any constructive criticism in the comments. 
> 
> Comment and leave kudos so I'm happy:/)


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